OMG! I feel so bad!
I have said those words so many times! Without really wondering why. Why do I feel bad? Should I feel bad to even begin with?
What does it really mean, to feel bad?
For me it was pretty much anything and everything. If I sat for a minute at work, I would inevitably get up to help a friend. Saying no to volunteering would send me into a spiral of guilt! Why couldn’t I just say no?
Why do we feel so guilty? Why do we put ourselves last?
We want to be useful and helpful in our communities. But some of us help to the point of self neglect. We are not comfortable unless everyone else is ok. For those of us in caregiver roles and first responders, that almost NEVER happens.
This in turn can leave us feeling empty and exhausted. And perhaps feeling guilty. I could not even list how many times I felt I should have done more, even when there was no more to do and I was beyond exhausted.
And I still felt bad. What is guilt actually?
Guilt in its basic form, is information. It’s simply a person’s moral compass. The feeling one gets if perhaps they did something that does not line up with who they are morally. Which is a very powerful and effective tool we use for self-evaluation, did I do something wrong? Do I need to change my behaviour? Do I owe someone an apology?
My temper tantrum in the hallway at work comes to mind.
Used properly, guilt allows us to self correct if we veer off course and inspire change. Although this can be uncomfortable, it’s a sign of empathy and conscience.
For some, guilt was learned early in our homes. Some of us learned to be agreeable, cooperative, helpful. And quiet. Caretaking taught at an early age. Peace and acceptance were the priority. It taught us not to set boundaries.
So how do we go from honest self-reflection to self-neglect?
Young girls in particular are taught to “be good girls” which translates to self-sacrifice for others at your own expense. Is it a wonder that nursing and teaching have been primarily female dominated fields?
For others the conditioning comes later. We choose professions built on helping, with a genuine desire to serve others. And we walk right into cultures that reward selfless behavior above all else.
Skipping breaks. Staying late. Filling the gaps. The system learns quickly that people who care deeply will stretch themselves to cover what isn’t being provided. And we do. Until we can’t anymore.
And when there is no relief, no help arriving, we are left exhausted and empty and feeling like we didn’t do enough.
It might be worth asking, is the guilt you have been carrying actually yours?
Or has it been handed to you?