Let me ask you something.
When was the last time it occurred to you that your needs mattered? Not your patients’ needs. Not your family’s needs. Yours.
If you’re having to think about it — so did I.
Most of us in caregiving roles didn’t wake up one day and decide to put ourselves last. We just never realized we didn’t put ourselves first either.
We were taught to. Slowly, over years, through a thousand small messages that added up to one big belief: other people come first. Always. Somewhere along the line it was viewed as selfish to care for ourselves as well. The message – others had it worse, you can suck it up for this moment.
Except the moments kept coming.
For some of us it started at home. Maybe you were the one who kept the peace. The one who read the room before you walked into it. The one who learned quickly that being agreeable and helpful got you love and safety, while having needs of your own created tension. That’s not a family dynamic — that’s a survival strategy. And it worked. Until it didn’t.
For others it came later — through culture, religion, school. Good girls are selfless. Strong women sacrifice. You’re so good with people. She never complains.
We hand out gold stars for self-neglect and then wonder why so many caregivers end up running on empty.
When I looked at my family dynamic and what we were taught growing up, it finally made perfect sense why I always felt guilt — I seemed to always wonder, Are You Mad at Me (seriously, read it), and why I could not stop over performing. This theme was handed to me on a silver platter as a child.
And then we walk into professions that confirm everything we already believed about ourselves.
Nursing. Teaching. Front line responders. These fields attract people who are already wired to give. And then the culture of those professions doubles down on it. There’s an unspoken badge of honor in healthcare for the nurse who skipped her break, who stayed late, who never says no. Said with admiration. But admiration for what, exactly?
For someone to quietly dismantle herself, believing she is broken and not the system she is in.
You may not have chosen this exhausting way of living. We function in a system that hands this message to you piece by piece over years, wrapped up in compliments and expectations, until it just felt like who you are.
It’s not who you are. It’s what you learned.
And here’s the hardest part — unlearning it is uncomfortable. Because the moment you start putting yourself first, even in the smallest way, that old alarm goes off. Selfish. Uncaring. Not enough. That discomfort is real. But it’s not the truth. It’s just the sound of a very old lesson being questioned for the first time.
You were never taught to put yourself first.
But you can start learning. Right now. Today. Even if it’s just sitting. Just for a moment. And taking a breath. And listening to what you need.